I don’t think I’m in a funk or anything like that but my mind has been playing tricks on me I think.
I did not have many expectations from having the lap band done other than praying in due time that I’d be off all of my diabetic medications and high blood pressure and cholesterol meds including my CPAP machine. I did not expect immediate results mind you but I do hope that will happen before 2012 ends.
Losing weight was a no brainer with having this surgery done. I need to lose over 100 more pounds from the 79 I lost since 2010 on my own and the three that just fell off this past week. But I thought perhaps MORE would have already have lost from my body!!!
I know it’s a very very slow process. I know this from my own yo-yo life I’ve lead thus far. I know it is all about having patience and following the rules and all that crap. But I feel like I HAVE TO LOSE to NOT disappoint so many people who are praying for me, rooting for me, et cetera ….
I also do not own a scale. I plan on just periodically weighing myself at work. But I am not going to do it daily or all the time like I’ve read some lap banders do. I don’t want to become obsessed with seeing what the scale says.
When I had my psych evaluation done, I remember the lady asking me what my goal weight would be. I really did not know how to answer her as my goal was for the whole diabetic dealio … but I would like to be in the 100s. As in pounds. And I don’t care if that would be 199 either. It’d still count as being in the 100s.
But I have a looooooooong road to travel before I reach that goal.
I also do not feel restricted enough without getting my first fill (on August 9th). I still feel hungry. I still feel like my old habits are just there, lurking like the bunny above. Like my body is just waiting for me to screw up.
From June 13th to present day, I have restricted my body from so many good treats. June 13 to June 26th I was forced to eat the Optifast diet. I didn’t like it one bit. As much as I told people it was fine, it really sucked.
Full liquids came next … and even that sucked. And I messed up royally for the first week. Even after reading the handouts and listening to both my surgeon, his staff and my dietitian. The second week of full liquids worked. And that’s where the shedding of three pounds happened.
Lap Banders before me, did tell me that this is a learning process AND hard to do. I know they weren’t kidding. But I’m doing it. I’m doing it to save my life and to live a long healthy life.
I want this more than you know. More than anyone who knows me, the real me, that is .. I want this to be the best success story of my life. Even over my art.
And more than anything, I want to motivate someone to be able to do it themselves. I want to be a role model.
But back to my baby steps. Back to today, July 14th.
I turn 45 on Tuesday, July 17th … I want to live my 45th year of life as a success. I don’t want anything to be lurking behind any corners anymore for me. Ever. Again.