|Temptation Island is too good to be true.|
Who knew that breaking old eating habits would be so difficult??? For someone like me, I ate my feelings. Usually I ate anger and frustration and rejection. At times, in celebration, I ate that too. But mostly for the first three mentioned.
And in the early years, twenty-some years ago, when I would eat my feelings, I purged. As in vomited. As in I made myself throw up. I did not know I had an eating disorder until late 1990, early 1991, when I started to black out from my new found habits. And at the time, I was living far far far away from mankind in College Station, Texas. I got really sick in late summer 1991 and 1992. Extensive therapy was the answer and it did help to some extent. I was also given a name to this lovely disorder: bulimia. I struggled with this from 1989 to around 2009 give or take a couple of years thereafter. And I haven’t always been overweight either. I was thin all through out my childhood and early adulthood. But a lot of traumatic things occurred to me in my early lifetime and then later too and eating was a way out. A way out to hide myself with food. And by eating, it allowed me to create a hermit lifestyle that I grew to adore and cherish. Until now.
Now, I want to live life to the fullest. Yeah… so, I am a month in of being 45 years old. I’m a bit late to be expressing myself. But I’m doing this the healthy way. Finally. I’ve even convinced my mind that this is the right way to go. And I really believe it. This time. Around. I do. I am also very happy. I am. But apparently I need to convince certain kinfolk that I am. I am pretty dumbfounded on how to go about doing that. Proving that I am, indeed, happy. I guess I’m just used to being a mute around certain kinfolk and that’s how they assume I will forever be. Mute. Around. Them.
I would love to be able to shout that from the highest hill on the prairie but first I would have to find a high hill. I know that they exist. Hills. But where to find one any where near Tyndall, South Dakota has me befuddled. Perhaps if I am courageous enough, I will climb on top of the monkey bars on the school playground and shout it from there. Perhaps. Or just announce it as often as I can: I AM HAPPY!!!!
But back to the subject of breaking old habits. This is a hard one. For me. While I am following the rules that my surgeon verbally told me and handed out literature about following the rules. I even watched a video about it and he had others chime in too. FOLLOW THE RULES AMY!!!! I hear thee loud and clear! However, having really bad awful eating habits for more than twenty years … yeah… changing them on a dime like he wants me to … <gulp> is going to take some time Mister.
My cupboards, fridge, freezer and pantry all showcase that I am on the right track of following the lap band rules. But the scheming in my melon is showcasing a totally different movie.
Today someone asked me if I miss eating certain foods. My honest answer to that was ‘no.’ And I meant it. But between you and me… I’ve tried the old “certain foods.” Yes with my lap band. And to my shock and horror, my new belly doesn’t approve and my new mindset is getting pissed off.
Pissed off because I’m going over to Temptation Island and dipping into the bad stuff and eating it, thinking my body and mind and all my old crapass emotions will like it. And to my great surprise and happiness, I am accepting the new rules with open arms. Who would’ve thought???
I am so far far far far away from my past eating disorder days. That was a hard lesson to learn but I mastered that baby and no way in hell will I walk down that nasty alley again.
Tonight was no exception for going to Temptation Island. I did very well with breakfast that I finally had the time to consume at home before work. I ate a good lunch within a 25-minute time frame too …. and did not think about snacking or anything bad all afternoon. I even looked up recipes to make with my ginormous amount of tomatoes and ended up baking two flour tortillas in the oven… with some cheese and refried beans. I tried lettuce for the first time too with my band … and unlike the horror stories I had read about, none of the lettuce leaves got stuck down the chute. I put on some of that Blue Cheese dressing that Invisible Ink likes so well … and I was extremely FULL.
Yet… BIG BROTHER was coming on and I had mere minutes before the town’s only grocery store was going to be open (yes till tomorrow!!!) …. and where did I end up a few minutes later??? Picking out crap because that’s how I used to roll.
I wasn’t hungry. At. All. Yet I piled in crap because that is what I used to do. And none of it tasted good. I couldn’t believe it. None. Of. It.
It’s all in my cupboard high up. Yes I can reach it. I’m tall. But I know for a fact, I will NOT be tempted to eat it in the near future or really if ever. But I’m going to keep it for now. Just to prove to my new self that I can and do have will power. Ah… tomorrow my will power will emerge. Full strength. Baby steps.
Tomorrow is a brand new day. A new day to make good choices. And a new day to start fresh. I still have my lap band. I still do NOT have any regrets with this surgery. This is a tool for me to improve my life for the better. I do know this deep deep down. And for the record — if I just have one reader or if I have a hundred and whether or not you know me just for this post or you’ve known me all of my 45 glorious years, today, August 16, 2012 … I am very very happy.