Tomorrow bright and early, I will be motoring to the nearest DMV, to get rid of this “lesbian prison” photo that I’ve been stuck with since 10/04/2011 when I updated my new address. I thought I had smiled when the DMV chick snapped my photogenic self but this is what resulted when it was printed out. Gack. I look like I am beyond pissed off. And it reminds me that I won’t ever look like that again. Fingers crossed. Knock on wood and I will rub all my little voodoo dollies I’ve ever gotten out of a gum ball machine too.
And just for clarification, I’ve never been jailed or sent to prison and I’m NOT knocking any of my friends who are gay and lesbian. I am just referencing to me and me alone and from all the 1970s and 80s bad bad B movies I used to watch late late late at night that involved actors portraying themselves as lesbian prisoners … this photo to the right … resembled many of them.
That also being said …. while back on the homestead this past week … I allowed a few folks to snap my photo full length and just got done viewing them. YIKES!!!!
From the photos, one cannot even tell really that my body has lost 103 pounds. I mean, yeah, in my face and legs … and I know for a fact, it HAS happened because my larger clothes no longer fit comfortably on my slightly smaller frame but ….hubba bubba. No more full length photos of me until I no longer have a belly to hang out, over, et cetera … and that is that. I just feel gross and awful from those photos this past week. And I must be in some sort of denial or something but shit …. blah. Gross. Gross. Gross. Gross. Gross. Gross.
And the mirrors in my home must be thrown out. Shame on me for trusting that I looked presentable too when going out to face the public. I think I am going to go back to wearing shirts larger than norm just to cover me up. Then to fuel the fire in me even more… what did I do today??? Purposely ate processed food like the old days of punishing myself. The end results made me sluggish and tired. As I attempted to nap later, I just tossed and turned and got even more mad at myself for allowing negativity to seep into my melon and to make me feel like donkey dung.
I am also mad because I allowed unsupportive people to also seep into my thinking mode and for the first time in a very very very long time, I cried the other day. It felt like a loss of many many proportions. I also allowed a mean mean old lady too, to get into my thoughts and that upset me too.
Truth be told: It really hasn’t been a good couple of weeks for me — in ALL aspects of my world.