I have never ever given it up.
Hope, that is. And had I ever had a daughter, her name would have been Hope. But I never got that opportunity. To give birth.
But hope has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.
Prior to having my lap band surgery, it had been a long time since I have been able to wear a normal size necklace without making it super long or getting a cord and making it longer. To the left is a new necklace. It has a small pink stone silver flower in front of a silver square with the word, hope imprinted on it.
I had it on earlier when I was at my mom’s … it fit more like a choker would… but it fit nonetheless on my much much thinner “neck vicinity.” For you see, I do not have a neck. Like other women do. Or girls. Females really. Once upon a time I had a neck. Then it just vanished and all I was left with was a massive chin underneath a big melon then my shoulders. Now that I am slowly shrinking, my massive chin is going far far away and out merging is a glimmer of hope … my neck. So it’s quite appropriate that I am now sporting my new ‘hope’ silver necklace on a cord I put on it myself too… the choker was well… choking me.
After I got off work this evening, I motored back to Springfield to eat grilled burgers with my oldest brother, my Aunt, Uncle and mother. I went down to say ‘farewell’ to my brother…. he’s been at my mom’s house since July 1st… and he’s leaving Friday. I see him once a year, every July.
Since my “vacation” days are long over, I get rather antsy just sitting around after food is consumed … so I left about an hour or so after arriving. And I know I am shedding my old self of my hermit lifestyle/ways… but I DO REALLY love being at my own home.
I just prefer it. Not so much about being solo or alone but I just want to spend my quality time in my own home. With my stuff. Am I a hypocrite for being this way?
I love love love my cozy apartment. It has nothing do with with not being social or not enjoying being around my loved ones or friends or whoever… I just love being in my apartment. But didn’t I just say that one sentence above???
I am really looking forward to my upcoming fill too. I hope this next adjustment will really start the shedding process. When I analyze this past year with my ‘band,’ I realize I did a lot of experimenting and trying to see what foods I could still eat or “get away with eating,” rather than focusing purely on following the rules my surgeon gave me to follow.
Disappointment is mostly what I feel about this past year. But I keep asking my mom if she is disappointed in me and she reassures me every time that she isn’t.
I have made great strides this past year too. I have. But I think my failures outweighs all the good.
I am told I am too hard on myself too but ….this is my only life. THIS ONE… and it’s my only body. MY ONLY BODY!!!!
Had I not had the lap band surgery, I would have been going down the same failing path my own father took. And he died May 18, 1998 at the age of 67. Massive heart attack. Dead in our driveway.
My blood pressure is normal (with meds), my cholesterol is good (with meds) … not to mention all of my other numbers are all in the areas they are supposed to be, again with medication. I’m exercising 1,000% more than I have ever done in my entire life and I have finally learned the correct way to eat. Healthy.
I also quit drinking alcohol (I had one Mike’s Hard Lemonade recently, but that was it for 2013). I do not smoke nor do drugs other than what my Super-Hero provider prescribes. I surround myself around positive people and back far far far away from negative ones. Toxic people scare me. I also stay far far far away from drama of others. I do not have time for that in my precious life. And I try to practice kindness on a daily basis.
I need to stop beating myself up for errors along the way and simply just continue to HOPE FOR THE BEST.